I have been to plenty of holiday parties and it seems that the mistletoe is never around when you need it or it is there when you wish it wasn’t. Then there is always that one guy that hangs out by the mistletoe all night waiting to swoop in like a vulture on fresh road kill. If you are that guy here is a tip. You creep out the ladies. You need to be more subtle in your approach. That is where mistletoe on the go comes in. Instead of hanging out by the mistletoe, take the mistletoe with you. You can avoid the uglies and go spread your special brand of Christmas cheer with the babes. It conveniently attaches to your forehead with the provided suction cup. They say diamonds are a girls best friend. This is clearly the ladies man’s best friend. The only downside I can see is that you will be left with a suction cup mark on your forehead but that is the price you have to pay to be a ladies man.
I am a big fan of Gummi Bears. Specifically Haribo Gummi Colas. They are shaped like little soda bottles and they actually taste like cola. They are awesome. Someone has taken the idea to the next level and has made gummy bacon. It doesn’t actually taste like bacon it just looks like bacon. It has a strawberry flavor. I love bacon. It is a culinary fact that just about everything tastes better with bacon. But I have never once had the desire to eat a raw slice of bacon. I guess there might be some novelty in pretending to eat a raw slice of bacon. I just don’t have any desire to do so. That being said if you have to have some of Uncle Oinkers Gummy Bacon you can get it here.
Every kid should have a pooping polar bar jelly bean dispenser. It looks like a cute polar bear but when your press the bears rear it will poop a butterscotch or cola flavored jelly bean. It is advertised as the “Sub-zero poopin hero.” With global warming and all polar bears might face extinction. I am glad we have this item to share with future generations so they too can remember the majesty of the polar bear.
If you are in the market for a bridge look no further. The Kickapoo River Bridge in Wisconsin is available at the low, low price of $1. The catch is that the bridge could drop into the river any day now and you need to move it. I don’t have room for a bridge nor the means to move one but if I did I would totally buy it.
Santas in Sydney, Australia have been given the direction to use ha, ha, ha instead of ho, ho, ho. Why? Ho is offensive and scary. The word ho can scare children and women take offense because Santa might be calling them a prostitute. What next? Will Rudolph lose his red nose. Having a red nose is often a sign for drunkeness and alcoholics. It also calls attention to a physical deformity that the poor reindeer has. That nose has to go too. Don’t even get me started on elves and bumbles.
Police in Italy have discovered the mafia’s ten commandments. These are entirely different than the 10 Commandments Moses found. Many of these I thought were movie cliches but here they are written on two slabs and handed down by the Don himself.
1. No one can present themselves directly to another of our friends.There must be a third person to do it. This is how Donnie Brasco got in.
2. Never look at the wives of friends. Similar to thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife except if you violate the mobs version you get two behind the ear.
3. Never be seen with cops. This one goes without saying. Unless you are getting arrested I guess in that case there isn’t much you can do.
4. Don’t go to pubs and clubs. I have added my own provision.Unless you are going to shake them down or blow them up.
5. Always being available for cosa nostra is a duty- even if your wife’s about to give birth. If you make a commitment you have to stick with it.
6. Appointments must absolutely be respected. This is good advice for everybody. Nobody likes to be kept waiting.
7. Wives must be treated with respect. Unless they mouth off or cheat on you then it is all right to slap them around a little.
8. When asked for any information, the answer must be the truth. Unless you are a no good rat. Then keep your damn mouth shut. Otherwise you will end up with a pair of cement shoes.
9. Money cannot be appropriated if it belongs to others or to other families. This is all about keeping the peace between families.
10. People who can’t be part of the cosa nostra: anyone who has a close relative in the police, anyone with a two-timing relative in the family, anyone who behaves badly and doesn’t hold to moral values.
Well there they are. Just when you thought you knew everything about the mafia something new comes out.
You just drank your last beer. What do you do? This is an emergency you have no beer. Naturally you call 911 and tell the dispatcher that they need to bring you beer. After all you pay your taxes and you should see some benefit from the service. If it doesn’t work call again and again. Eventually the police arrived but it wasn’t to bring the man beer it was to arrest him for disorderly conduct.
In Romania the rules are different for talk show hosts. If they don’t hear what they want they open a can of whup ass or in this case staged whup ass. In America talk show hosts don’t beat up their guests. It would be great if they did though. I can totally imagine Larry King standing up and slowly walking over to his guest and sucker punching him in the back of the head. That would be awesome.
How do Japanese women retain their youthful appearance? Pig placenta smoothie. Actually it is blended pig placenta and it is sold in small bottles but I am sure you could make it into a smoothie if you wanted to. I don’t know about you but if given the choice of aging or drinking pig placenta I will choose aging.
WebMD has posted a list of the states ranking them from healthiest to most unhealthy. Vermont ranked number one on the list. I live in Florida. We ranked 41. Mississippi ranked dead last at 50.
The survey uses a combined score of health indicators and policy questions to rank all 50 states. Obesity rates, tobacco and alcohol use, and high school graduation rates are accounted for, as are state laws and regulations promoting better health. The survey measures access to health services and also environmental issues like pollution, infectious disease rates, and crime.
I wonder if they take the age of the population into account when they compile the rankings. I am sure Florida has a higher death rate than many states. Officially Florida is the Sunshine Stae. Unofficially Florida is commonly referred to as the state of the newlywed and the almost dead. That should tell you something about the age of the population. It could be worse though. I could be in Mississippi.
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